Where's My Balance

Yes I am hanging my head in shame. I flexed my will power muscle and it seemed to have no tone what so ever.  I didn't stop at just one this Easter. I ate so much chocolate I made myself sick! I ate so much chocolate I gave myself a migraine and had to sleep it off for 24hrs. I ate so much sugar in the end I craved a fresh piece of fruit! I ate myself out of wanting / craving more chocolate, and the worst part about it is I knew I couldn't stop.  Argh the hardest part about this journey is the mind games I play with myself. Why? Why am I doing this to myself?

Sugar sugar sugar! This last week I have never felt so crap. I am lethargic, tired and grumpy. I have had constant headaches, my skin has broken out and is all blotchy. I haven't been exercising since Tuesday after the spin class which I might add was an epic fail. Seriously how can a bike be so fricken hard?  Not even 5 minutes in and I got dizzy, my vision went blurry, I slowed down told myself I could do it and persevered. I thought it was all in my head until I felt like I was going to have a panic attack or something. My chest felt tight and I busted out into tears. OMG I didn't know what I was crying for.  So this week has been a roller coaster, emotionally, physically, mentally and so on and so forth.

So I thought this week couldn't get any worse, then I'm told that my grandparents who mean the world to me have had a car accident. Freddie fell asleep at the wheel and ran the cruiser into a tree.  Thank god and all his decibels they are OK. There had to have been someone looking after them this frightful day, to walk away from an accident of this calibre.

Things like this just put everything into perspective don't they?  It makes you think about life and how precious and fragile it really is.  About the people who mean the most to you and the time you have with them. What it means to have a family, and unconditional love.

Life changing events happen everyday, and they are usually tragic circumstances that make us wake up and realise. Well in my case anyway. Lately nothing has stopped me from going to the gym and my classes, they were the most important on my list. Right up the top there. NO EXCUSES right?
Wrong!

Where's my balance, my f
eng shui? I'm not just tired and irritable from eating chocolate.  I stuck to my meal plans. I need balance. I can't be super woman. Work a 40hr week and a second job plus the gym 6 days a week and keep everything else in order! Oh bullshit! Something had to give for the last few weeks its been the housework. Seriously my place is a mess. No washing done nothing. I mean something had to give right? So this week I fell in a heap. I didn't go to the gym and got all my housework done, plus I actually had 2 days off. No gym no work no workshops no housework! I needed a break. I made myself sick!

So what's the perspective? What is important? Balance. I can have it all just in moderation.  Ive always been taught to stand on my own two feet, that no one else is there to pull you out.  Just yourself!  So for years I learnt to push everyone away, and to never ask for help.  This would be like admitting that I couldn't do it.  I was independent, stubborn, unforgiving, it was my way or no way.  To some extent it still is this way, but I have learnt to trust people, my family and realise that they can help me.  They do only wish and want the best for me, and I am not always right.

Our life lessons never come easy, and always at a price.  I remember being such an angry person filled with resentment and fear.  Fears that I still carry with me today and battle with constantly.  Some fears never go away!  These people, my grandparents, who had this accident they have done so much for me that words can never express.  They tried to help me when I was on a self sabotaging course in my life, and I did nothing but push them away.  However with all the love and support they persevered and never once gave up on me.  This was a very dark time in my life one that still to this day I feel guilt and shame.  Again thinking I had to pull myself out and again not accepting any help.

I look back now and think who was that person?  I have come so far in the few short years since and still chipping away at that angry, frightened person I once was.  My grandparents mean the world to me, they have helped mould the person I am today.  Amongst a menagerie of people through out my life, some violent, some sad, some memorable. 

Recently, we have been discussing ways to travel and help my grandparents.  I am an impulsive person at the best of times, and would of just jumped on a plane that day.  My partner however, he helps ground me and raised very important flaws in my decision to fly the coupe.  Rodney has been a positive role model in my life, and I love him with all my heart.  Rodney has taught me to trust, trust in other people and in myself.  He has brought a great sense of richness into my life that I have never had before I knew he existed.  To feel comfortable around the person you love to share your life with feels so free.  He is the water that takes the heat out of my fire, my balance.

Without these people and many others in my life I would be alone, lost in this big old world with no purpose.  When ever there is a turn for the worse in my life these are the people who mean everything and help pull me through.  This is what is so important, the key to success.  Yeah sure I have to put in the hard yards along the way, but together with these people behind me I can conquer great things.