Breaking Bad

My daily struggles are becoming well lets just say that nothing is easier. The way I feel about myself and my confidence has increased out of site., this is true however this doesn't make it any easier dealing with my demons. They are still there and will always be there I'd say. To just keep pushing on with what I'm doing I'm burnt out. My fitness level has increased to a point where things are physically easier to do, but mentally I'm beat. Why is this?

I have increased the calorie intake in the last week, as my energy levels are depleted, and guess what I didn't loose any weight! This made me feel worthless really, even though everyone told me how great I am looking.  I keep on reading it's not how far you have to go its how far you've come that matters. Well I see this change as the rest of my life so I'm not really looking at how far I have to go.
Reading through my blog has actually answered my question of why I have no energy? It's sleep or lack there of. I survive on 5-6 hours sleep a night. I have days where I "catch up" but you never really catch up on sleep do you.



I have sacrificed so much already to change my lifestyle for myself, and my family as it effects them too. I don't know how they could bare having a cranky mum all the time or a partner who never said she was happy.  I work a dead end job just for the money and as much as I try to take my work hat off at the door sometimes the stresses follows me home. Omg listen to me whine whine blah blah live life every second of the day! Yes well I am but the thing is I have honestly been this way for 10 years and breaking bad habits is hard.

A friend asked me the other day why I stopped blogging I didn't really have an answer for her I just stopped? It  has been months since I've visited this blog and reading these last few paragraphs now I know why I stopped blogging. It was all too much I was so very depressed. I mean who would have thought that exercise is linked to all this. The person I was at the start of this year is not the person sitting here typing away now. I have a smile on my face and generally happy about myself. I still struggle with loosing weight, I just know I will get there is all. I have a wardrobe of clothes that don't fit me, and you know at the Beginning that's what I thought mattered. Loosing all this weight to fit I to the "sale item" clothes you know to be like everyone else, to be accepted. No that's far from it isn't it, that's not even close.

This journey has been tough, and continues to be a struggle every day. I choose to be happy, I have chosen to take care of myself, put my health needs above the proverbial size 8. I started this blog to admit to myself that I had to change, and not only admit it but tell the world the truth. By telling everyone I was admitting that I had a to change. There was a lot of backlash from this, from people in my life "you're being too public" "you have more problems than you think" there are some people out there that love to see you fail. That thrive off your shitty existence of a life. These people sucked the life out of me and "nursed" my complaints and moods.

Moving into a new chapter of my life has been spiritually rewarding. Surrounding myself with people who are trying to better their lives, and health for what ever reason, has been the best thing I could have done. These people get it they want to eat healthy, they want to work and sweat till they are done. They don't complain and they just do it!  I have met so many positive happy people, I am too one of these positive happy people, and I love what I am doing.


Yesterday we had both the cars booked into the mechanics, don't ask why both at the same time lack of organisation is all I will say. However this put me into a bit of predicament, I either used this as an excuse and stayed home for the day and no gym or I went. So I got on my bike with the baby trailer in tow and rode 8.7km to the gym for the 'bodysmasher' class. Heck I did it and yep I was stuffed but boy I felt better for it. So today I rewarded myself, not with food but with a trip to the hair salon. I mean if you could see the smile on my face right now.

I am so proud of what I achieve everyday, I've stopped saying I can't and now I say yep I can give it a go I can do that.

 

This post is so complimenting to my last called the procrastinator! I have revisited this post for months now and continue to reflect on what I have written. Three months have now past and I haven't lost any more weight, but that's ok.  I know I want to loose more and I will.  Signing up to 12WBT for round 4 is probably a good choice for me because, I want to loose weight and I still need to learn how.