The Couch

So there I was sitting on the couch waiting for my partner to come home, doing absolutely nothing around the house. I mean there is a permanent divot in couch I was sitting on it so much. Just to get out of bed to go to the couch in the mornings was a battle. The only thing I was worried about was missing the next episode of Charmed! 

What changed you say? My beautiful sister gave me a wake up call. She came to visit and brought a vibrancy with her I had never seen before. She had lost so much weight and looked amazing! Jade touched me with her story and personal triumph and I was so proud of her. I was hungry for the first time, hungry for the energy! Jade bounced around playing games with my kids, kicked the ball in the back yard, played basketball, ran around all over! I realised I NEVER did this. My poor kids they played outside all the time, and I was watching TV or on Facebook! What had my life come to something had to change I just didn't know how. 

I started reading this book called 'Run Fat Bitch Run' I read a couple of pages and put it down. I didn't pick that book up for two weeks. I just felt sorry for myself and went into an eating binge! I made myself sick so sick that I was vomiting non stop I couldn't even eat anything. When I did feel better I stuck my fingers down my throat very time I ate something, just so I could feel better. I ate so much food in one sitting that I was so full I wanted to spew! I hade a problem and for the first time I knew it. 

Growing up I was the girl with the hot body the great looks! We played lots of sport I was very fit and healthy. I didn't know what it was to pick up the clothes on the sale rack to find they are all size 8 and be disappointed! The sale clothes all fit. There was no looking through for that one style that didn't show the bulge, I didn't have to think about that. So when did my battle of the bulge start? Yes well it wasn't too far away from my teen years of guilt free eating. 

Being the carefree spirit that I am my life was full of partying, alcohol and drugs! I was studying at UNI giving a half assed effort so when I fell pregnant it was the perfect excuse to drop out. As for the partying, drugs and alcohol well I can say that I'm lucky enough to feel that unconditional love while being pregnant. But wait now I found myself with no friends! I wasn't the fun loving crazy go out do anything girl that everyone knew and "loved". Friends who I thought were friends stopped calling, I quit drinking, smoking and yes the elicit drugs cold turkey. I was 20 and pregnant, oh yeah I was pregnant eating for 2 mistake number 1. Along with a huge list of mistakes. 

Well 16th December came it was my 21st and I was 36 weeks pregnant and weighed in at 138kg. I was so big and uncomfortable and just hid away from the world. I didn't celebrate my birthday with anyone, I hid away from the world. The 19th January and my beautiful baby girl was born. Jasohta weighed in at 11 pounds and 2 ounces that is a little over 5kg she was so big I couldn't have here naturally and had an emergency c-section. Having gone through labour first I was exhausted and stayed in bed on morphine for 2 days. OMG when it was finally time to get up and mobile I was like a 90 year old woman hunched over. I stayed this way for months before I could stand up straight without crying. My recovery time was terrible. Oh and I forgot to mention the father, he was cheating on me and I found out on day 3 in hospital. Yeah a little bit screwed up hey? So I was young, no self esteem to tell the father to piss off, morbidly obese, recovering from surgery, depressed, and some how I had to look after a baby!  I had so many excuses to eat and feel sorry for myself, and I did for years. I was in DENIAL for years.

So I was in the over 140kg club, and that's where I stayed for a while.  My doctor had me taking Prozac, I met a new group of friends who had children through mothers groups, and started feeling better about myself. Finally kicking the dead beat cheating boyfriend to the curb, and moving in with my grandparents life was actually getting better. I lost all of my weight through hard work on a farm, and decided to do something with my life. I got a job in the Northern Territory on a Barra Farm and packed myself and my 3 year old daughter up.  We drove 3800km to our new start in life. For the first time in a while I felt liberated and free. 

Loving the Territory and my job life was great! I met a man who took me and my daughter and swept us off our feet. We were all so happy. So I bet your thinking what went wrong? It wasn't long before I fell pregnant again, so what did I do?  I used all the same excuses as before. No one wanted me to work on the farm I was wrapped in cotton wool, and I let it happen.  I sat back and got fat! AGAIN! This time I tipped the scales at 130kg I mean come on I had to fit into all that loose skin. At least this time I was doing yoga. The years went by and I lost 30kg then just gave up I think. I ended up having another baby 4 years later. I was so afraid I was going to put all that weight back on, and I managed to stay healthy. I even weighed less after having my baby. I weighed in at 94kg. 

Ok so this brings me to NOW ..... Excuses Excuses!! How many did you see if you have read this far? Oh man I had heaps and boy did I use them. You know I haven't been brutally honest until now. The thing is I mentally wasn't ready, I had every excuse in the book and I believed them.  So I finally picked up that book "Run Fat Bitch Run" and I read past the second page.  I could relate so much I cried and cried, I knew what she was saying I was there.  I virtually melted into those pages, curled up in my bed and died! The next morning got up and for whatever reason I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I just kept cleaning I didn't stop for days. Three trips to the tip and 9 garbage bags of clothes to the Salvation Army, a new play area for the kids, and all the washing done folded and put away. I was on a roll there was something in me that was motivated, I felt better for cleaning out the house and organising my life. 

This followed in every aspect of my life, I made the decision to change. I started eating healthy foods all the time, and walking daily. I even got out the ab circle that was under my bed for years. Walking 3 times a week was unknown to me. I live in the Northern Territory it's too hot to walk  EXCUSES! EXCUSES! Wow what happened I was this empowered woman ready to take on the world. Was it turning 30? Was it my sister? Was it the book? Was it turning into a bulimic? No it was none of this .... It was my decision to take charge, to admit I had a problem. 

So here goes nothing all out in the open for all to read. My deepest personal feelings, my blood sweat and tears! 

Caley