Big Ugly Granny Undies

Have you ever come home from a day out and had chaffed legs because you wore a skirt?  You know the feeling it really burns and no matter what you do your legs just rub.  Well that's not my problem!  I have the dreaded my undies are no good for working out and giving me a blazing saddle.  Seriously they have pinched that spot that no one has seen, including me for a long long time.  So what underwear is going to work because I just can't have this problem persist?

I was at the shops the other day and found myself staring at another lady's bum!  This women had gym pants on with a g-string, there was no obvious pants line on her saddle.  Now lucky she had kids and I had mine, because the length of time is was starring at this woman's ass was maybe a second to long. I was even creeping myself out!  All I could think of was my big ugly granny undies, which were comfortable pre - exercise,  and how they just aren't working for me.  Now I'm not prepared to rush out and buy a heap of g-strings, I really couldn't think of anything worse.

However I do obviously need to pass up on the "comfy" granny undies which had their place through post surgery.

Someone once told me that the condition of your underwear, is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. Now I could take this either way, either I feel stretched, hagged, and torn, or I think that I am so big and ugly!  Mmmmmm makes you think about the undies you have on right now doesn't it?

I can't wait for the day I can put on a g-string and feel sexy!  Or not have to worry about chaffed legs and rubbing undies!  Muffin tops and suck it in underwear.  I think it's time to get some "I feel better about myself underwear" because I'm starting to think I am worth it.

My Scales Are The Devil

The past 5 weeks have been a challenge mentally, physically and emotionally.  I have joined Curves and been going 3 times a week consistently, and cardio the other 3 days.  Concentrating on increasing my exercise and pushing myself harder, while decreasing my portion sizes.  I have had injuries and tears, kept myself in check when Ive had a week moment with food.  I have not cheated .... not one little bit.  My food choices have been excellent, and I have noticed I have more energy than ever before. 

So you can imagine my anticipation when I jumped on those scales today, for the first time since I started my journey.  Oh I couldn't wait to see what all my hard work had done for me.  How much my tears and screwed up faces had worked for. 

 D  E  V  A  S  T  A  T  E  D !!!

No way I've put ON WEIGHT!

I normally would have eaten this! 

 In one sitting

 

Instead I was so good and chose a meal like this!

 

No this can not be, it has to be wrong.  In desperation I slid that weight over again just to be sure, and there it was the undeniable truth.  I am fatter than when I first started!  106.3kg there it is the number.  I just stood on those scales in shock looking at THE NUMBER!  What have I done wrong?  I just wanted to cry.  So lets look at the measurements, because that was next.  Let me tell you I wanted to suck it all in to make myself feel better, but I was so deflated I couldn't even control those muscles.  They were in shock!  I was like a wet fish flopping around on the bottom of the boat, realising I couldn't breath.

The results;

I lost 3cm off my bust
3.6cm from my abdomen
1.9cm from my hips
2.2cm off my thighs
2.7cm from around my arm

WOW!  That's great loosing cm NOT mm but centimetres. 

In light of this I had taken a beating .... not only did I have to hold back the tears, but also get through my training session.  So I just pumped it out!  Then I saw what I needed to see, on the wall of the gym was a picture of a princess castle.  I had noticed it before and didn't really know what it was for,  I just assumed birthdays or something.  But today I could see my name, there it was CALEY P right up there in the tower.  It said "Queen of the Castle" it was me, I was named as the most consistent person for the month.  What an achievement!

Ok so I have lost weight and obviously built up muscle, which we are all told weighs more than fat.  So why does the number on the scales make me feel so worthless?  I don't know at the end of the day it's just a number isn't it?  I suppose it comes down to understanding why?  Why the scales show I'm heavier, and why the measurements are lower, why my BMI was virtually the same.  EDUCATION is a key element and today was my first lesson.
  

 

Ups and Downs!

Have you ever been offended by fat jokes?  You know the ones Yo mumma so fat you have to roll twice to get off her.....  Yeah well I'm Yo mumma!!  My libido has disappeared just like my waistline.  I would like to say it's had its up and down, but it just hasn't. 

Oh dear so here I am talking about sex, or lack of it!  Now I can tell you that I just don't want it at all, I have no urge, no inclination to rumble.  I can't stand the thought of my big saggy rolls of fat bumpn' and grindn', it's just not enjoyable.

No

             no

                            not

                                                at

                                                                    all.

Seriously I'm repulsed!  Instead of revealing this to my poor partner, I've pushed him away all these years.  Yeah I know what your thinking, I have a 6 month old baby.  Mum was RIGHT! It really does only have to happen once.

The degradation, my poor partner.  This is really something that is embarrassing, not only for me but for my partner too.  So why would I put this private admission in my blog?  Well I wanted to show the funny side of this, as this topic has been a great discussion point for us as a couple.  Yes exercising has helped me bring this incredibly awkward topic up. 

I was watching a show called Dr Oz I'm sure most of you know it.  The topic was gynaecologists and what they take or administer to themselves.  For a low libido 90 something percent (can't remember the exact percentage) would give themselves testosterone.  WOW is this what I'm missing?  Along with the pychological reasons I'm sure.  That night I told Rod (my partner) about this TV show, and what knowledge I had acquired. 

From this point in time Rod has been incredibly supportive, we have established that the more I work out and build up muscle, the higher my testosterone levels are.  HAHAHAHAA he said and I quote

So I should be chasing you around that oval then

This is now a light hearted topic in our house, and I feel more comfortable knowing my partner knows how I feel. 

My Little Training Buddy

How important is it to have a training buddy?  For the last 5 weeks I have been doing most things  alone.  Trying to motivate myself is like sticking a red hot poker in my eye!  I can do it but it burns!!

You see every time I put on those gym clothes, I remind myself of the person I no longer want to be.  That's real hard ... I have been working out 6 days a week.  So for 6 days I wear unflattering clothes that takes a real beating on my ego.  For 6 days I am pushing myself to do the things I couldn't have done the 6 days before.  So why am I not proud of the way I look?  Do I care what other people think, or do I care what I think?  I think if I cared what other people thought I wouldn't have started this blog at all.  So I do care about how I look, and for the first time I can admit that.

The boy in the picture is my son Xavier.  He is 4 years old and just a breath of fresh air.  He was my training buddy today, right there beside me on his scooter.  He had so many words of encouragement and pushed me to keep up with him.  There was that hunger again, hunger for the energy of a 4 year old.  We went 3km non stop, then ran up and down the grass hills.  It amazed me that my son was so excited that I was actually up on top of the hill with him.  Then he said the most encouraging words I needed to hear.

Well done mum your on top of the hill

 

 Yes there I was running up and down this hill that I have been looking at for 5 weeks. I wouldn't have done this if it wasn't for my little training buddy. He is proud of me and loves me for who I am, I need to take a leaf out of his book. I should be proud of myself, and love myself for who I am. Its just that I still don't know who I am and what I'm made of, but we will see.

Rain or not to Rain!

 

 

 

You know I have read that its 20% exercise and 80% what is on your plate.

 

 

The biggest challenge for me has been portion sizes,  in fact it still is.  I struggle daily with what is an appropriate portion size.  I have to laugh because I have gone from eating a whole tub of Connoisseur ice - cream in one sitting, to not eating it all all.  The choices I am making now we can all agree are better. 

 

 

Now this brings me to my Excuses!  There was no excuse for eating a whole tub of ice cream.  Most times I would feel so sick but I just kept eating.  Yes I knew it was bad for me to do this, but I ate it anyway.  Even my partner told me he was "repulsed" by it, but I didn't care I just kept on eating.  Why did I do this?  I can't answer that just yet, I don't know.  Really why would I eat until I felt so sick, physically ill?  Our bodies really are tough I have been putting mine through hell.

 

 

So today I have made great choices, eating appropriate portion sizes and healthy foods.  Now for the exercise.  I have been sitting at this computer most of the day, and it's poring with rain outside.  I live in the Northern Territory, and this is our first down pour of rain in a while.  It's great to hear those frogs so happy, but what about me!  Saturday's is cardio workout.  Now I can use this rain as an excuse and not go..... or suck it up and just do it!

 

 

This is a picture of my back yard, well half of it anyway.  It has been raining all day so I have decided not to use this as an excuse and face the rain.  It sounds funny actually my kids love running in the rain, so why would I even consider not going?  So wish me luck xxx

 

 

 





Hiding Behind the Camera

I have been sitting here looking through pictures to show you what I look like, and I realised from scanning through the past 4 years, that I am the one always behind the camera.  I haven't really found many pictures of myself at all. So what does this say?

Well its says a lot doesn't it ... no one else can take a picture in my family!  Is it that I am a control freak, and will not hand that camera over?  As much as it hurts to say it that's not the reason.  Whether I knew it or not I didn't want my picture taken.  I would of had to face the horrible truth, because the camera doesn't lie. 

WOW what else have I stopped doing?  Why didn't I see? 

The Couch

So there I was sitting on the couch waiting for my partner to come home, doing absolutely nothing around the house. I mean there is a permanent divot in couch I was sitting on it so much. Just to get out of bed to go to the couch in the mornings was a battle. The only thing I was worried about was missing the next episode of Charmed! 

What changed you say? My beautiful sister gave me a wake up call. She came to visit and brought a vibrancy with her I had never seen before. She had lost so much weight and looked amazing! Jade touched me with her story and personal triumph and I was so proud of her. I was hungry for the first time, hungry for the energy! Jade bounced around playing games with my kids, kicked the ball in the back yard, played basketball, ran around all over! I realised I NEVER did this. My poor kids they played outside all the time, and I was watching TV or on Facebook! What had my life come to something had to change I just didn't know how. 

I started reading this book called 'Run Fat Bitch Run' I read a couple of pages and put it down. I didn't pick that book up for two weeks. I just felt sorry for myself and went into an eating binge! I made myself sick so sick that I was vomiting non stop I couldn't even eat anything. When I did feel better I stuck my fingers down my throat very time I ate something, just so I could feel better. I ate so much food in one sitting that I was so full I wanted to spew! I hade a problem and for the first time I knew it. 

Growing up I was the girl with the hot body the great looks! We played lots of sport I was very fit and healthy. I didn't know what it was to pick up the clothes on the sale rack to find they are all size 8 and be disappointed! The sale clothes all fit. There was no looking through for that one style that didn't show the bulge, I didn't have to think about that. So when did my battle of the bulge start? Yes well it wasn't too far away from my teen years of guilt free eating. 

Being the carefree spirit that I am my life was full of partying, alcohol and drugs! I was studying at UNI giving a half assed effort so when I fell pregnant it was the perfect excuse to drop out. As for the partying, drugs and alcohol well I can say that I'm lucky enough to feel that unconditional love while being pregnant. But wait now I found myself with no friends! I wasn't the fun loving crazy go out do anything girl that everyone knew and "loved". Friends who I thought were friends stopped calling, I quit drinking, smoking and yes the elicit drugs cold turkey. I was 20 and pregnant, oh yeah I was pregnant eating for 2 mistake number 1. Along with a huge list of mistakes. 

Well 16th December came it was my 21st and I was 36 weeks pregnant and weighed in at 138kg. I was so big and uncomfortable and just hid away from the world. I didn't celebrate my birthday with anyone, I hid away from the world. The 19th January and my beautiful baby girl was born. Jasohta weighed in at 11 pounds and 2 ounces that is a little over 5kg she was so big I couldn't have here naturally and had an emergency c-section. Having gone through labour first I was exhausted and stayed in bed on morphine for 2 days. OMG when it was finally time to get up and mobile I was like a 90 year old woman hunched over. I stayed this way for months before I could stand up straight without crying. My recovery time was terrible. Oh and I forgot to mention the father, he was cheating on me and I found out on day 3 in hospital. Yeah a little bit screwed up hey? So I was young, no self esteem to tell the father to piss off, morbidly obese, recovering from surgery, depressed, and some how I had to look after a baby!  I had so many excuses to eat and feel sorry for myself, and I did for years. I was in DENIAL for years.

So I was in the over 140kg club, and that's where I stayed for a while.  My doctor had me taking Prozac, I met a new group of friends who had children through mothers groups, and started feeling better about myself. Finally kicking the dead beat cheating boyfriend to the curb, and moving in with my grandparents life was actually getting better. I lost all of my weight through hard work on a farm, and decided to do something with my life. I got a job in the Northern Territory on a Barra Farm and packed myself and my 3 year old daughter up.  We drove 3800km to our new start in life. For the first time in a while I felt liberated and free. 

Loving the Territory and my job life was great! I met a man who took me and my daughter and swept us off our feet. We were all so happy. So I bet your thinking what went wrong? It wasn't long before I fell pregnant again, so what did I do?  I used all the same excuses as before. No one wanted me to work on the farm I was wrapped in cotton wool, and I let it happen.  I sat back and got fat! AGAIN! This time I tipped the scales at 130kg I mean come on I had to fit into all that loose skin. At least this time I was doing yoga. The years went by and I lost 30kg then just gave up I think. I ended up having another baby 4 years later. I was so afraid I was going to put all that weight back on, and I managed to stay healthy. I even weighed less after having my baby. I weighed in at 94kg. 

Ok so this brings me to NOW ..... Excuses Excuses!! How many did you see if you have read this far? Oh man I had heaps and boy did I use them. You know I haven't been brutally honest until now. The thing is I mentally wasn't ready, I had every excuse in the book and I believed them.  So I finally picked up that book "Run Fat Bitch Run" and I read past the second page.  I could relate so much I cried and cried, I knew what she was saying I was there.  I virtually melted into those pages, curled up in my bed and died! The next morning got up and for whatever reason I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I just kept cleaning I didn't stop for days. Three trips to the tip and 9 garbage bags of clothes to the Salvation Army, a new play area for the kids, and all the washing done folded and put away. I was on a roll there was something in me that was motivated, I felt better for cleaning out the house and organising my life. 

This followed in every aspect of my life, I made the decision to change. I started eating healthy foods all the time, and walking daily. I even got out the ab circle that was under my bed for years. Walking 3 times a week was unknown to me. I live in the Northern Territory it's too hot to walk  EXCUSES! EXCUSES! Wow what happened I was this empowered woman ready to take on the world. Was it turning 30? Was it my sister? Was it the book? Was it turning into a bulimic? No it was none of this .... It was my decision to take charge, to admit I had a problem. 

So here goes nothing all out in the open for all to read. My deepest personal feelings, my blood sweat and tears! 

Caley