You Inspire Me

This week in the 12WBT there is a thread to nominate the person who inspires you the most.  There are so many strong, inspirational women doing this program, and I honestly feel they all deserve to be nominated.  This made me think who inspires me the most.  I have spoken about my sister a few times in this blog, she definitely inspires me to be a better person.  I love her to bits and we are becoming closer friends as time passes.  If she told you her story you would feel inspired too. 

 

There is one women however, that I'm sure Jade would agree inspires us both.  She would be our Aunt, our friend, our somewhat older sister.  Felicity Parker.

 

Felicity isn't much older than myself and I remember when I was younger I looked up to her, like she was the best.  She is the best, this women is strong, sophisticated, and well a trooper non the least.  She was the "cool" Aunty that always made us smile, and we always had fun and exciting times with her.  I am speaking in past tense because this was years ago, and I miss her vibrancy.  Felicity now lives in America, she has been over there for some time now.  The last time I caught up with Flip was Christmas 2009, and she is still the cool aunty years later. To catch up with family was just so great we had a fabulous Christmas.  I was pregnant at the time with my second child, and my weight was a major health issue.  Felicity didn't say one word about it she just told me I looked beautiful and glowing.  Bless her she is a wonderful, kindhearted women.

 

 

 This is my family well some of them anyway, and there I am to the left Pregnant with 12 weeks to go.

 

On the 19th May 2011 Felicity was diagnosed with Stage 1 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma or otherwise known as Breast Cancer.  This shook our family as Flip was overseas with no intention to return to Australia for treatments.  I couldn't begin to imagine how frightening and lonely her journey was going to be. Not having her in Australia I felt very detached from the situation, and honestly helpless.  She was so far away, and its not like I spoke to her every week.  We hadn't spoken for years, but I knew if I picked up the phone she would have been chatting away like time had never passed.  I didn't want to pick up the phone and call out of pity, I didn't even know what to say.  The family already had one loss from Cancer, Felicity's brother Trevor.  Imagine the pain this would have brought back for Flip.  She nursed him through his demons and horrid times while sick and having chemo treatments.  She had seen first hand what it did to him and I quote her,

 

My brother Trevor passed away at the age of 36, from Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, a side effect of an anti rejection medication. He had a kidney transplant at the age of 21 due to a car wreck. I nursed him for two years while he worked on his physical, mental and spiritual healing while enduring his chemotherapy treatments I would not wish what he went through on my greatest enemy. It was pure torture on his body and stripped him of all his dignity. He truly is a best friend lost; one that I wish was here now to help me through the toughest challenge of my life so far.

Time passes as it does and Felicity has lived to one day tell her story, I don't know much about her journey, but I do know she a strong, courageous, and living.  Through alternative medicines, a clean diet and exercise she has managed to survive.  I can't wait for the day I sit with her and she tells me of her triumph.  I can't imagine the road she has been on and can only assume it's one that no one should ever have to travel.  In the past 12 months I have had contact with Flip.  We skype each other, which is brilliant, as she can see a little snippet of our life here in Darwin.  Just seeing the kids face to face is great, as she has never met my sons at all.  Sharing our lives has been a privilege only I will understand, we have told each other secrets and confided in one another like never before.  I am so proud of her, and thank god everyday for her.  You can read the beginning of her journey here http://felicityparker.snappages.com/home.htm as for the ending well only flip knows.

 

Its amazing what our bodies can injure and conquer, through all Flips treatments she managed to stay fit and healthy. 

 

This right here is amazing, Felicity if you are reading this it is YOU who inspires me. You're amazing! I love you.

Finding Friends & Myself Along The Way

It's unbelievable just how many people I have met since starting this journey.  It's an amazing feeling not only to feel better about myself, but to be surrounded by women who also feel amazing!  The women in my fitbox class are gold, they are a great bunch and week after week the class being so damn hard is welcoming.

I think this is one of the biggest classes I have seen at fitbox yet. I was so shocked when I actually seen myself in this picture, I had to look twice. I have shyed away from the camera for so many years and had that horrible feeling when seeing my picture.  This time however I was pleased to see my picture. I can't begin to tell you how great that feels.  So many things are looking up. I am doing it and keeping the negative self harming thoughts at bay.

This week I am so focused.  The fire is burning in my belly, and all my muscles in my body I might add. Since I've signed up for Blood, Sweat and Fears I am driven. I'm telling you I've just turned another corner, it's fantastic.

This week alone I beat my PB and ran 3.5km non stop.
I beat the spin class, which in previous attempts reduced me to tears.
Plus the real clincher I'm believing in myself.

Talking to my sister this week I am so proud of her she has been struggling with her own demons and is now on a great path. I am so proud of what she is doing and what she has accomplished.  For me I feel that sharing our stories has brought us closer together and I feel so much more connected. Having such friendships is something that I do miss about living up here in Darwin with no family around. I don't really have anyone here that I can completely open up to about the ups and downs. I think this is why the 12WBT has been so beneficial with the forums. I have connected with a few people over the net and swapped stories, read other people stories online and currently following the
blogs. This has been great but it wasn't until today that I actually met some ladies in the flesh.

A group of ladies invited me to join in with them for the Blood, Sweat and Fears event. Our group is called Crazy88. I joined them in the park today for a training session, we followed one of Cath Gibson's program's. Between the burpees, mountain climbers, planks and jump squats I burnt off 642cal. Oh man what a workout I was just dripping with sweat, and what a lovely group of women. Really happy I went today, thanks girls.

I am excited and apprehensive about Blood, Sweat and Fears, I looked at the map today and damn. Check it out.

Blood Sweat and Fears

Week 11 who would have thought? I have come so far, accomplished more than I ever felt I could have.  Changed my life and I love it.  I have so far to go and the end of 12 weeks is near.  This is just the beginning I assure you.  So with two weeks to go what better way to celebrate than to throw myself into the most terrifying event I have ever herd of.  Blood, Sweat and Fears. 

I was the type of person that had no idea events like these ever existed.  I have been introduced to a whole new world, if you have of said cross fit to me 6 months ago I would have looked at you with a blank face.  So I am looking down the barrel at 10km of gruelling obstacles and lots of mud!  Last week I would have told you I wasn't going in the event.  This week I am with only two weeks to go.  Are you mad? I hear you say ..... maybe, probably, yep definitely.  I haven't trained, I haven't prepared, I know nothing about the event at all but I'm going.  Why?

 

Well I left it to fate really.  I entered a competition to win a training session with Cath Gibson, for those of you that don't know she is the ambassador for Blood, Sweat and Fears.  So I won didn't I (smiling through gritted teeth) The gods have spoken, I am meant to be in this for some Divine reason.  I have a purpose that weekend, and I am going.  OMG ......

I can do this I know I can.  My training session will be next Tuesday wish me luck.

Where's My Balance

Yes I am hanging my head in shame. I flexed my will power muscle and it seemed to have no tone what so ever.  I didn't stop at just one this Easter. I ate so much chocolate I made myself sick! I ate so much chocolate I gave myself a migraine and had to sleep it off for 24hrs. I ate so much sugar in the end I craved a fresh piece of fruit! I ate myself out of wanting / craving more chocolate, and the worst part about it is I knew I couldn't stop.  Argh the hardest part about this journey is the mind games I play with myself. Why? Why am I doing this to myself?

Sugar sugar sugar! This last week I have never felt so crap. I am lethargic, tired and grumpy. I have had constant headaches, my skin has broken out and is all blotchy. I haven't been exercising since Tuesday after the spin class which I might add was an epic fail. Seriously how can a bike be so fricken hard?  Not even 5 minutes in and I got dizzy, my vision went blurry, I slowed down told myself I could do it and persevered. I thought it was all in my head until I felt like I was going to have a panic attack or something. My chest felt tight and I busted out into tears. OMG I didn't know what I was crying for.  So this week has been a roller coaster, emotionally, physically, mentally and so on and so forth.

So I thought this week couldn't get any worse, then I'm told that my grandparents who mean the world to me have had a car accident. Freddie fell asleep at the wheel and ran the cruiser into a tree.  Thank god and all his decibels they are OK. There had to have been someone looking after them this frightful day, to walk away from an accident of this calibre.

Things like this just put everything into perspective don't they?  It makes you think about life and how precious and fragile it really is.  About the people who mean the most to you and the time you have with them. What it means to have a family, and unconditional love.

Life changing events happen everyday, and they are usually tragic circumstances that make us wake up and realise. Well in my case anyway. Lately nothing has stopped me from going to the gym and my classes, they were the most important on my list. Right up the top there. NO EXCUSES right?
Wrong!

Where's my balance, my f
eng shui? I'm not just tired and irritable from eating chocolate.  I stuck to my meal plans. I need balance. I can't be super woman. Work a 40hr week and a second job plus the gym 6 days a week and keep everything else in order! Oh bullshit! Something had to give for the last few weeks its been the housework. Seriously my place is a mess. No washing done nothing. I mean something had to give right? So this week I fell in a heap. I didn't go to the gym and got all my housework done, plus I actually had 2 days off. No gym no work no workshops no housework! I needed a break. I made myself sick!

So what's the perspective? What is important? Balance. I can have it all just in moderation.  Ive always been taught to stand on my own two feet, that no one else is there to pull you out.  Just yourself!  So for years I learnt to push everyone away, and to never ask for help.  This would be like admitting that I couldn't do it.  I was independent, stubborn, unforgiving, it was my way or no way.  To some extent it still is this way, but I have learnt to trust people, my family and realise that they can help me.  They do only wish and want the best for me, and I am not always right.

Our life lessons never come easy, and always at a price.  I remember being such an angry person filled with resentment and fear.  Fears that I still carry with me today and battle with constantly.  Some fears never go away!  These people, my grandparents, who had this accident they have done so much for me that words can never express.  They tried to help me when I was on a self sabotaging course in my life, and I did nothing but push them away.  However with all the love and support they persevered and never once gave up on me.  This was a very dark time in my life one that still to this day I feel guilt and shame.  Again thinking I had to pull myself out and again not accepting any help.

I look back now and think who was that person?  I have come so far in the few short years since and still chipping away at that angry, frightened person I once was.  My grandparents mean the world to me, they have helped mould the person I am today.  Amongst a menagerie of people through out my life, some violent, some sad, some memorable. 

Recently, we have been discussing ways to travel and help my grandparents.  I am an impulsive person at the best of times, and would of just jumped on a plane that day.  My partner however, he helps ground me and raised very important flaws in my decision to fly the coupe.  Rodney has been a positive role model in my life, and I love him with all my heart.  Rodney has taught me to trust, trust in other people and in myself.  He has brought a great sense of richness into my life that I have never had before I knew he existed.  To feel comfortable around the person you love to share your life with feels so free.  He is the water that takes the heat out of my fire, my balance.

Without these people and many others in my life I would be alone, lost in this big old world with no purpose.  When ever there is a turn for the worse in my life these are the people who mean everything and help pull me through.  This is what is so important, the key to success.  Yeah sure I have to put in the hard yards along the way, but together with these people behind me I can conquer great things. 

Squat Challenge

Not that Michelle's 12WBT isn't challenging enough I have also taken to do a squat challenge for the month of April. So today is the day to start and nailed it! Day 1 - 50 squats.

I have taken a before photos of my bum so we will see the difference if any.  I am not willing to put it on here yet and it doesn't look anything like the one above.  Do you know how hard it is to take a flattering photo of a bum you never really look at little lone like.  Yeah think about it!