Introducing myself today I am a mother of 3 beautiful children Jasohta is 9 Xavier is 4 and Riley is 6 months. Over the past 3 years I have been running my own art and craft business in Darwin, Northern Territory, and working part time night shifts to make ends meet. But this is not who I am, a question that I haven't been able to answer at all. Who am I?
Self - reflection is a confronting thing to have to do, especially when my life's story is full of abuse and self destructive patterns. So who am I? My past has somewhat moulded me into the person I am today, but somehow answering this question is harder than I thought. I am on a mission to answer this question ... Who is Caley Parker?
Now I am not about to answer because honestly I don't know. Deep down inside I see this frightened young girl just waiting. Never taking control, scared to take control, to be held accountable. I tell myself everyday to ignore her .... I'm fine. I tell other people I'm doing great, I love my life that's everything is OK! Depression, self destruction, over eating, obsessive behaviours, the ability to never fully complete one task or another. These are all my daily struggles I have put aside and ignored for many years. Realising this when I joined the 12WBT and started delving into the tasks and forums. So this journey for me is more than 12 weeks, it's more than loosing weight. So much more.
I started my 12WBT journey off weighing 105.5kg. The battle has been an emotional roller coaster with my weight going up and down over the years. Realising my head space needed a good clean out not just my house, I started blogging first on the 12WBT Forums and now this blog. I can't tell you how hard it is to admit the way I am feeling at the moment. My son is sitting but an arms reach away from me yet I am so alone. My tears are pouring like the rain outside, and my heart feels like it could just stop. Emotionally I am a wreck, and to let people know this, to let my family know this, my closest friends I don't think so. What would they think? Show no signs of weakness they might think you can't look after your kids!
I have been told from the first moment I fell pregnant at 20 years of age, "oh Caley it's going to be so hard" "you don't know what your in for" I wanted to prove everyone wrong so I told everyone it was easy! I am still telling everyone it's easy, raising 3 children in our 'happy' home with my partner. I put all my energy into my children, I mean what mother wouldn't right? I forgot about myself along the way. I lost myself, where had I gone? You couldn't miss me that's for sure, I was seen but not heard. I lost my voice, I gave my power away. I stopped doing all the things I loved drawing, painting, making my own art installations, exploring, loving. My life became a blank canvas waiting to be filled with colour.
Now really can all this be connected to my weight? NO WAY surely not! I can be overweight and be happy too. Well there was excuse # 1. Along with a huge list flowing like Niagara Falls, 5.7 million litres per second, just like my excuses. I didn't want to admit I was fat, I had much more pressing issues to deal with. Come on what is more pressing than my health? My priorities were all jumbled, I hadn't taken responsibility. I was playing the blame game, and it was time to stop!
So who am I? I will find out in my journey, starting with the 12WBT. Emotionally, mentally and physically I will pave the way to answering this question. I will pull one brick at a time down from my wall, and lay them at my feet on my path to success!
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