Breaking Bad

My daily struggles are becoming well lets just say that nothing is easier. The way I feel about myself and my confidence has increased out of site., this is true however this doesn't make it any easier dealing with my demons. They are still there and will always be there I'd say. To just keep pushing on with what I'm doing I'm burnt out. My fitness level has increased to a point where things are physically easier to do, but mentally I'm beat. Why is this?

I have increased the calorie intake in the last week, as my energy levels are depleted, and guess what I didn't loose any weight! This made me feel worthless really, even though everyone told me how great I am looking.  I keep on reading it's not how far you have to go its how far you've come that matters. Well I see this change as the rest of my life so I'm not really looking at how far I have to go.
Reading through my blog has actually answered my question of why I have no energy? It's sleep or lack there of. I survive on 5-6 hours sleep a night. I have days where I "catch up" but you never really catch up on sleep do you.



I have sacrificed so much already to change my lifestyle for myself, and my family as it effects them too. I don't know how they could bare having a cranky mum all the time or a partner who never said she was happy.  I work a dead end job just for the money and as much as I try to take my work hat off at the door sometimes the stresses follows me home. Omg listen to me whine whine blah blah live life every second of the day! Yes well I am but the thing is I have honestly been this way for 10 years and breaking bad habits is hard.

A friend asked me the other day why I stopped blogging I didn't really have an answer for her I just stopped? It  has been months since I've visited this blog and reading these last few paragraphs now I know why I stopped blogging. It was all too much I was so very depressed. I mean who would have thought that exercise is linked to all this. The person I was at the start of this year is not the person sitting here typing away now. I have a smile on my face and generally happy about myself. I still struggle with loosing weight, I just know I will get there is all. I have a wardrobe of clothes that don't fit me, and you know at the Beginning that's what I thought mattered. Loosing all this weight to fit I to the "sale item" clothes you know to be like everyone else, to be accepted. No that's far from it isn't it, that's not even close.

This journey has been tough, and continues to be a struggle every day. I choose to be happy, I have chosen to take care of myself, put my health needs above the proverbial size 8. I started this blog to admit to myself that I had to change, and not only admit it but tell the world the truth. By telling everyone I was admitting that I had a to change. There was a lot of backlash from this, from people in my life "you're being too public" "you have more problems than you think" there are some people out there that love to see you fail. That thrive off your shitty existence of a life. These people sucked the life out of me and "nursed" my complaints and moods.

Moving into a new chapter of my life has been spiritually rewarding. Surrounding myself with people who are trying to better their lives, and health for what ever reason, has been the best thing I could have done. These people get it they want to eat healthy, they want to work and sweat till they are done. They don't complain and they just do it!  I have met so many positive happy people, I am too one of these positive happy people, and I love what I am doing.


Yesterday we had both the cars booked into the mechanics, don't ask why both at the same time lack of organisation is all I will say. However this put me into a bit of predicament, I either used this as an excuse and stayed home for the day and no gym or I went. So I got on my bike with the baby trailer in tow and rode 8.7km to the gym for the 'bodysmasher' class. Heck I did it and yep I was stuffed but boy I felt better for it. So today I rewarded myself, not with food but with a trip to the hair salon. I mean if you could see the smile on my face right now.

I am so proud of what I achieve everyday, I've stopped saying I can't and now I say yep I can give it a go I can do that.

 

This post is so complimenting to my last called the procrastinator! I have revisited this post for months now and continue to reflect on what I have written. Three months have now past and I haven't lost any more weight, but that's ok.  I know I want to loose more and I will.  Signing up to 12WBT for round 4 is probably a good choice for me because, I want to loose weight and I still need to learn how. 

PROCRASTINATOR!

I wasn't sure if I should have signed up for round two or not, I thought I had it all under control hahaha so wrong I needed to sign up again. I mean come on Caley, yes I'm going to talk to myself now ....... You need to educate yourself in order to succeed.

There I said it, I thought I ate healthy and in some ways I did, but I had no idea what a balanced meal was and thanks to this program I am starting to get it. Lets hope... Ten years of yoyo dieting and breaking bad habits is hard. I am so happy that I can filter this new found commitment and nutrition to my children especially my daughter Jasohta.

I recently injured myself  the muscle behind my knee decided to grab, and I was down for the count. Nothing serious just strained, but the best thing about this was I stretched today with my daughter, who was actively involved and generally wanted to know what I was doing. This turned into a stretching  session together which I thoroughly enjoyed. Jasohta practises karate and know some of the stretches already, she shows me the stretches she knows and I her. Jasohta asked me how I injured myself, when I told her it was doing burpees she thought that was pretty funny until I told her what a burpees actually was. She did about 10 of them.

Having this program to follow and organising my nutrition takes all the stress out of my weight issues.  You know I used to look in the mirror and I was in so much denial I didn't see a fat person, for the first time in a long while I haven't the rose coloured glasses on and can see my body for what it is. OVERWEIGHT! I have seen so many changes in my body shape it's amazing, not to mention the muscle tone. My work shirts are starting to look like square tents and I have had to buy two smaller sized pants, with a shopping trip coming soon because the ones I'm wearing now are baggy. I should be so proud and happy but why am I looking at myself like I'm just so fat?

So it's Tuesday night now and I haven't done any exercise since Saturday. I bought myself some anti-flemme cream, which I might add is awesome. I put it on every bit of my body that was sore and I had the best nights sleep in a long while. Having rested my broken spent body I'm now ready for training in the morning.

It seems this post is continuing over a few days as its now Thursday, and yes I went to the gym.  I have an extremely sore lower back and just wanted to walk out of my class 20 minutes into it.  Thanks to my PT Bec I didn't, she continually pushes me beyond my limits each week.  She is an awesome instructor.  She picked up that my head space was not right, I didn't even have to say anything, she could see it in my face.  I always wonder if I'm pushing myself too hard, where is my limit?  Challenging myself day after day and being consistent is what I am to do to see the results right? 


So funny to read this and the fact that I didn't publish this and its called "procrastinator" ha just makes me laugh.  Enjoy

Having An Affair With Jim!

So its been nearly six months since I decided to change my lifestyle, and I can honestly say it hasn't gotten any easier.  As far as the my level of fitness is concerned there is always harder routines, and heavier weights to counterbalance my advances.  In actual fact it's harder now more than ever to do what I have been doing.  At first it was just starting, now its just finishing!

My self esteem levels have improved so much so that I now have a hair style, and actually take time to do my hair.  Where as before it was throw it up however, and I wouldn't even put a brush to it.  I have dyed my hair which compliments my eye colour, and I wear makeup to make my best features shine.  I can actually say I'm starting to care about myself and love my body for what it is, be proud of the way I present myself.  It must show in my face too, because people are actually smiling back at me.  I'm smiling from the inside for the first time in my life.

Family life has been great, everyone is happier and healthier.  It was so great today to go see my children participate in the school sports carnival.  In previous years my daughter didn't want to go but this year she was keen.  It's such a good thing to see her so happy in school, we have had our fair share of finding the right school for her.  Today she excelled and ran third in her race, what a champion.  My son ran his race we found out today that he runs sideways, but that OK great effort for a little pre-schooler.  I couldn't have been prouder.

It was so hot and shade was in short supply so I went home and got my canopy for the ladies volunteering for the BBQ fundraiser.  When it came time to pack up they offered to take it to my car, I said no I'm walking today thanks.  Their jaws dropped and said, "but how are you going to get this home?"  Same way I got it here we walked.  "What do you do boot camp or something?" said one of the ladies laughing.  "Yes I do" I replied.  I said thanks for packing it up and off I walked with the canopy in tow and two kids up over the hill and off home.

Now I thought that this was a completely normal thing to do.  It hadn't occurred to me until now that the tent weighs 24kg, and those women think I'm nuts!  I could do it easy, six months ago maybe not. I came home had a drink and followed with a circuit workout in my back yard.  It was the perfect time I had just warmed up carrying the tent home.  I am proud to say I can setup a training circuit for myself now.

I have this new saying  "Earn your rest" people talk about motivation, and what inspires them to train.  I have nothing except this phrase and it works for me.  I spend the majority of my days training in the gym, and work at night.  I don't really spend that much time with my partner, we are the tag team.  He gets home from work on a weekday, I go to work and on weekends we have the days together unless I decide to go to the gym.  Which has been the case lately because I have my rest days during the week when I have days of work.  So Rod talks about Gym alot and the fact I see Gym more than him.  Now Jim has become humanised and we talk about my affair with Jim.  I've told him that he too can share Jim but Rod just isn't into that kind of thing.  So for now I have Jim all to myself.  This week being all about new phrases I have a new one "Gettin' sweaty with Jim" ..... "Yeah Caley's off gettin' sweaty with Jim" My affair with Jim has spread far and wide, and Rod's family must be getting concerned!  We think its pretty funny, wait until Rod meets my personal trainer ... Jim!  haha (jokes peoples) calm down ..........

MOTHER'S DAY CLASSIC

My family thought I was nuts, the week leading up to the fun run I entered our whole family.  We are all doing the 4km walk I said.  Now I know what they were thinking, as this was not the normal family day out for us, but things were changing.  I wanted to do more than just walk I wanted to walk for my Aunty's who had battled breast cancer.  So we all dressed up in pink, including the hubby, and the kids has pink angels wings.  A set for Flip and a set for Sue, these courageous women have survived cancer.

 

 

So off we went early in the morning, to do our 4km walk together.  My son made it 100m I think before I flung him on my back, and my daughter was off flying.  It was fun and everyone had an awesome morning.  We even made the news.

KATH GIBSON HURT MY ASS!

So I had my PT session with Cath Gibson and man did she smash me.  She told me my legs will feel like this running the BS&F course too.  Oh no!  Its was great to have someone show me how to target those problem areas.  After having 3 C-Sections my lower abdomen is shot.  So we targeted this area and all was fine.  Until the next day, man my ass hurt like a mother f#$%er, I couldn't even sit down.  How the hell did that happen? I recommend her workouts it will smash you.

Here is one I followed leading up to BS&F

 

 

BLOOD SWEAT & FEARS 2013 - SMASHED IT!

 

 

 

I did it. 10km of running non stop I might add, and the obstacles they were fun.  What an amazing day and to share this with my family I was so humbled.  The support from my kids and my partner was unreal.  To see the looks on their faces to see their mum rockn' it in the mud,  priceless.  This was my finale to round 1 and what a great one at that.  I surprised myself and met some really good friends from doing this.  The girls supported one another along the way, it was so good to see.

 

 

 

Love this footage from another contender, this shows all the obstacles we faced.



BEFORE & AFTER ROUND 1

START ROUND 1

END ROUND 1